My kids won't eat dinner because our house helper stuffs them full of Cheez Puffs all day. If I did hash tags, this post would probably be something like # expatproblems.
Having a house helper, or two...or five, is a pretty normal part of expat life here in West Africa, but something I've always been uncomfortable with. For one, since I don't work outside the home, I feel like it should be unnecessary. But I think my discomfort is also partly due to the fact that back home, my mom cleans houses and caters for a living. Since my dad died 17 years ago, she also works the 2 to 8 a.m. shift at UPS for health insurance. She is kinda a super hero. From the time I was in elementary school, until I finished college and moved to West Africa (and actually, even sometimes now when I go home for vacation), I tag along whenever she needs some extra help. So, you could say I have seen what the cleaners of the wealthy have to deal with sometimes, and it ain't always pretty. I am so grateful for these experiences. They grounded me, taught me how to clean and cook like a beast, and I made some great memories with my mom. I still snort when I remember my mom and I trying to carry that hideous statue up three flights of stairs of some mansion she was cleaning, made more difficult because we were both laughing so hard we had to cross our legs.
But I have also seen how quickly otherwise nice enough people can take advantage. People calling my mom the day before Thanksgiving and asking her to "pop in for an extra clean, oh and could you whip up a couple of sides and brine the turkey while you are here? Actually, would you just go ahead and do the grocery shopping on your way. It isn't too late to buy a turkey, is it? I will just reimburse you next week, okay?" Oh and I will never forget two days before Christmas, my senior year of high school when my my mom came home and handed me a four page list and a blank check and said "Okay, you take the kids, I'll take the husband and boyfriend. Let's try to get as much done tonight as we can so we have tomorrow night for the wrapping."
What I have heard people say here, even The German, is "If they don't have time, they will say they can't." But really, will they? My mom never did. She needed the extra money, and was worried if she said no to too much they would find someone else who always said yes.
A lot of times I see people advertise on our expat community message board looking for household help. "Urgently searching for a nanny. In addition to caring for our three children, she must clean, cook Western, Chinese and Ethiopian cuisine, speak English, take the older kids to school, teach the baby ballet, help with homework and baths until the night nanny arrives,and will have every other Sunday off." Okay, I exaggerated a bit, but not much. After I attempt to swallow my initial judgement (I mean, maybe they both have really important jobs, right? There must be some reasonable explanation for this...RIGHT?), I try to imagine the person taking this job. She is probably relatively well educated. She probably has kids. She will probably make less that 1/4 of what would be considered poverty level for a single person household in the United States. Half of that she will pay to the woman who is working in her home, taking care of her children. And, not unlike my mom, she probably needs the money to much to say no.
Not to say that all, or even most, expats treat their employees like this, by any means. One of my friends is continuously hiring new house helpers for the opposite reason. She is constantly encouraging and honing their talents, helping them establish their own businesses, like food delivery or tailoring, after which they don't have time to help her around her house anymore.
We currently have three employees at our house. A day guard, a night guard, and a house helper (E) who cleans and sometimes watches Bean and Sprout for me. We have had someone to help me with the cleaning in the past, but E, who has been working for us for about a month now, is the first person we have asked to baby sit. Our previous house helper was a friend of a friend who had never cleaned before. Seriously. I'm thinking maybe she had never even picked up her own bedroom before. She was awful, but I couldn't bring myself to fire her because I knew she was paying her own college tuition. Some days, I would even clean behind her just so The German wouldn't fire her. This summer, she graduated, so I felt free to encourage her to go build the career she really wanted. Then we hired E, an experienced woman in her 50's who had been working for our departing expat friends. And E has been amazing. I told my friends after her first week working for us, I finally felt in the groove with having someone else in my house. Folding clothes with her while chatting with her about her children almost felt like hanging out with my mom.
Bean and E, playing with the watering can.
And that is the part about having household help that is hard to explain to people outside the expat community. These three people have become our friends, our lifeline at times, and a replacement family. E doesn't just mop our floors. On the worst days, she gives me a few minutes to myself to go cry and drink (just kidding...maybe) in the bathroom and commiserates with me about the "excitement" of raising toddlers. She makes play-doh farm animals that are so beautiful, I cringe when the kids squish them. Every Friday, she has a beer with us when The German gets home from work before heading home herself.
Our guard, P, doesn't just open the door for me when I pull up. He helped teach Bean how to ride her new bike. He translates for me (Awa French to real French) when the milk vendor can't understand me. One time, when The German was traveling for work, both kids woke up vomiting with fevers at 2 a.m. After the doctor left, I gave P my wallet, near tears, and asked him to find an all night pharmacy. Because who else can you call for help when your family is half a world away? He invited us to his daughter's baptism, where she was dressed in the outfit we had given her. The relationships can be complex, but our household employees can be such a gift, and so much more than employees.
So, I guess I'm still feeling out my comfort zone with having help around the house. I'm working out how to ask E to use the toilet cleaner on just the inside of the toilet, without feeling like I'm reprimanding my mom. How to ask her for extra help when The German is out of town, not knowing if I am asking too much. How to ask her to please, PLEASE, stop stuffing my kids full of the f-ing Cheez Puffs that she so sweetly purchased with her own money. In the meantime, I tell myself at least I know Bean and Sprout are getting enough fat in their diet.
