"Well, let me give you my number, because maybe we can get coffee. Do you have a car here? It doesn't matter if you don't, because I can come pick you up! And you know, maybe when you are gone I can check on your grandma for you, or take her to lunch sometimes. And let me get your email address too, because then you can let me know the next time you are going to come to town and we can all go to Disney together! Let's just rent a vacation house in Orlando for a week!"
I'm sure this poor woman has scared off one or two potential friends with a similar speech, but luckily, I speak expat. And I get it. That desperation that comes from going too long without peer conversation. I get it. It turns out, she is from Central America and her husband is from Europe. They met in California in medical school, and now she finds herself out east with no friends or family. Her husband works long hours and she stays home with their daughter worrying about how and when to restart her career. Is she "wasting" her education like her in-laws say? Will the job market forgive her for taking time off for family, for letting her spouse's career take the front seat for a while? Are these tantrums normal? And is there anywhere to get some decent ethnic food around here? Yeah, I get it.
In fact, I have made the scary speech before myself. It usually starts innocently enough. I spy someone I have never seen before at the grocery store looking for cheddar, therefore she must be new here. What plays out in my head is like that scene from 101 Dalmations where Pongo is looking for a mate for his owner. She looks to be in her 30's. Native English speakers! Oh look, her kids are around the same age as mine. Crap, Bean just gave him stink eye and yelled, "I don't like you". Wait, wait a minute! He hit her on the head with a baguette and they worked it out! He can hold his own! Now if only her husband...here he comes now. He looks normal! And he just made a joke! It wasn't funny, but it wasn't sexist or racist either! The German could definitely tolerate him! Then I walk over, way too skippy and say much too quickly and loudly,
"HI! My name is Awa! Are you new? What neighborhood do you live in? Do you have a playgroup yet? Are you busy Thursdays? Because I know some people, and we have coffee on Thursdays! Have you been to the coast yet? We are going for New Years Eve. You should come too! And then you can meet my mom!"
I made just this spiel to a perfectly pleasant blond woman with a three year old son and 8 month old daughter not too long ago. I gave her my number, but she didn't call us. The German warned me as we walked to the parking lot and I rambled on about how nice she seemed and which car do you think is theirs? "Baby, I know you are excited, but you need to take it down a notch or people are going to think we are swingers trying to pick them up".
Luckily, along the way, a few women I have met have gotten it. These expat girlfriends of mine are irreplaceable and the "what I miss the most" on vacation. It is such a different type of friendship. It seems like it forms faster than the regular variety. I have no idea what their college mascot is, what the color scheme was at their wedding, or what the dynamic is like between them and their siblings. I do know that one word they always forget in French, the wax print that reminds them of their last post, and the edge that comes into their voice when they need a malaria test for their child in the middle of the night.
Souvenirs for expats: favorite candies, party supplies, and
prescription glasses. Totally normal.
So even though I am back home right now with my "old" friends who I miss terribly the rest of the year, the best friends who helped me fix my hair for prom and held my hand through first heartbreaks, my "new" friends are also on my mind as I collect some of their favorite things to bring them back, and heavy on my heart as I think that, for the second time now, a friend will be moving on to her next post before we return from vacation. So, to her, thank you for getting it. Thank you for the friendship, the laughs, commiserating about the frustrating parts, sharing the fun parts, and inspiring me wear more cute dresses. You will be very missed, but Vienna is going to be amazing. And to the rest of my expat girlfriends, can't wait to see you soon! Thank you all for being my sanity, for telling me my kids are normal, for helping me to appreciate life abroad.
